Like flowers, deep friendships must be cultivated. An investment of time and caring will pay off bountifully. Friends provide a safety net for us, serving as an invaluable resource in dealing with life’s challenges. When we’re in a crisis, our beloved friends show up with food, comfort, a sympathetic ear, understanding, and whatever else we need. Since it takes several years for friendships to develop, however, don’t wait for a crisis to make an effort to reach out.

Of concern is the fact that a 2006 Duke University and University of Phoenix study found that Americans have nearly one-third fewer confidants than in the 1980s. Also, twice as many people report not having any close friends to confide in. How sad! So, let’s think about how we can nourish and grow our friendships.

1) Be trustworthy. Keep confidences; never betray a trust. If you do, that’s a show-stopper. Without this, there will be no friendship.

2) Share. Friendships build on a sharing of feelings, values, goals, experiences, interests. The relationship should be mutually satisfying. Deeper sharing nurtures deeper caring.

3) Be respectful of each other and build a relationship based on equality. Be open and real, with no false fronts. Appreciate what each of you brings to the relationship. There’s no room for competitiveness or jealousy; instead, seek and applaud the best in each other, valuing your differences and contributions as human beings.

4) Support each other. This is the heart of friendship—the desire and willingness to share both the joys and sorrows of life. When Betsy and I launched our book, Second Blooming for Women: Growing a Life That Matters after Fifty, seventy friends showed up to help celebrate our accomplishment. They still cheer us on! When Mary clearly needed a break from care giving, Beth, a nurse friend, volunteered to stay with Mary’s mother so she and her husband could have a weekend getaway. Two days after 9/11, my book group met as scheduled. Fortuitous. Our normal book discussion was supplanted by the national crisis and personal concerns, and we took comfort in being together.

5) Listen. Pay attention to what your friend is saying rather than preparing your response. Communication is a two-way proposition, so you should be talking and listening. Unless specifically asked for advice, you don’t need to worry about solving your friend’s problem. More often than not, she just wants you to listen with empathy.

6) Be tolerant. And patient, accepting, forgiving…you choose the words. We all have our “moments” when we mess up, make a mistake, speak in anger, aren’t very lovable, so let’s try to not be hypercritical. Because women are reputed to be better at friendship, we sometimes hold ourselves to a higher standard. One mistake and the friendship is over! Let’s take a deep breath and allow room for stumbles.

7) Show up when you’re needed, physically and/or emotionally. Be part of your friend’s safety net. They day my husband had cancer surgery, I was scared to death. My fears were assuaged when my book group friends, all seven of them, came to the hospital to be with me. Recently, one of my “lifetime” friends, Paula, moved yet again to a place where she doesn’t know anyone. Paula sounded depressed to me in an e-mail, so I’m making an extra effort to be present for her. I can’t be there physically, but I can be present emotionally via e-mail, letters, phone calls, photos.

Be deliberate about cultivating your friendships. My book group, for instance, was in danger of falling apart several years ago. Once we fixed the meeting time on the first Thursday of the month, we could all plan on it and put it on our calendars. It’s sacred time for us, and we’ve thrived ever since. Another group of friends has a lunch date at various restaurants around town on the 4^th Friday. They print the schedule for the year.

9) Reassess your friendships now and then. Are they worth keeping, or were they good for a reason or a season? (See last month’s newsletter for my column on friends for a reason, a season, or lifetime.) Are they mutually beneficial or one-sided? Are you both still growing? Are your values in synch? You may need to give yourself permission to “let go” if the friendship no longer enhances your life, treasuring it for what it did bring during a period of time.

Friends. What precious people they are, enriching our lives immeasurably. More than nice, they are necessary to our well-being, so it’s well worth helping them flourish.

Kathleen and I greatly enjoyed our time with the Southeastern Directors of Volunteers in Healthcare Organizations in Myrtle Beach SC on April 24. There were over thirty attendees at our breakout session Strategies for Successfully Navigating Transitions.  All of the attendees were Second Bloomers. We began the session with Sheehy’s quote which set the perfect tone for the session.

After we explored our individual work life balance, we looked at change through the work of William Bridges. Bridges’ theory is that change begins with the end, followed by a neutral zone and ends with a new beginning. We asked the participants to write down at least two changes that they were experiencing and to identify the stage of change they were currently in.

It was amazing how the participants shared their stories and their coping mechanisms. These volunteers are making a positive difference in their healthcare organizations and in their community. It was a pleasure to meet them.

Here are our 12 strategies for navigating change:

1. Train for change
2. Anticipate
3. Build a safety zone
4. Accept feelings
5. Set a time boundary
6. Talk with others
7. Take care of yourself
8. Understand why
9. Face Reality
10. Identify your Circle of Influence
11. List obstacles
12. Look for opportunities   

Have you utilized any of these strategies? We would love to hear your story.

Betsy

“Which is more difficult? They’re both hard, but in their own ways. I’ve often talked with groups (in my role as Coordinator of an Employee Assistance Program) about the value of a job. It means so much more than a paycheck, as you well know. It provides relationships, status, security, a sense of self. And a paycheck certainly makes you feel like you’re helping support the family unit. It ALL matters.

Some ideas to consider:

1) Consider reading Flourish by Martin E.P. Seligman, PhD. He wrote Authentic Happiness in 2002 which was a tremendous resource for me when I was writing Second Blooming for Women. Flourish updates and adds to his concepts. He has great self-assessments online – free – which you can take. I especially recommend the VIA Survey of Character Strengths. Go to www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu to find several assessments which are fun, revealing, and helpful.

2) Another good book is Tom Rath’s Strengths Finder 2.0. It has a code inside which you can use to ID your talents/strengths.

3) Exercise as much as you can. Not only does it strengthen your body, it’s a natural anti-depressant.

4) If you belong to a church, your minister may be able to recommend a good retreat. (They’re not all created equal, so be picky.)

5) Betsy Smith and I wrote Second Blooming for Women: Growing a Life That Matters after Fifty for women in transition – whether by death, divorce, job loss, or just a desire to live fully. We coach you step by step into self-reflection and self-discovery. You’ll have a complete picture of yourself and a sense of direction/purpose if you DO the book. (It’s not made for bedtime reading!) It’s available at any bookstore, online, or from www.secondbloomingforwomen.com

6) Keep a gratitude journal. This is hard when you’re feeling insignificant and lost, but every night before you go to sleep, write down three things for which you were grateful during the day. You may have to look under the bed with a flashlight to find something on some days! Be persistent. No matter how small, write down 3 things. It’s been proven this WILL work on your behalf.

7) Volunteer at something that catches your interest/passion. A woman who was laid off from her marketing job for the Girl Scout Council when two councils merged volunteered to help Betsy and me market our book. Because she did such a good job and I got to see her specific skills, I was able to connect her with a job opening, write her a great letter of reference, and she got the job! Down side: we lost her help.

Make a list of all the things you have accomplished in life, including education, family, jobs, volunteer work, etc. Review the list daily, adding to it as you recall positive efforts.

I don’t know what, if anything, you’ll choose to do, but I do wish you well. Given your many successes, I can’t help but feel this down time is a “blip” in your life, a time for reflection and renewal. You have much to offer. I do care about you and what happens, so please keep in touch.”

I haven’t heard from the woman yet, but I still think of her and expect she’s on the path to regaining her confidence. Please let me know what you do to keeps yours up, too, so we can share with each other.

Would you like to know the three keys to a healthy and fulfilling life after fifty?

First, enhance your physical health, which involves exercise and nutrition.This is utterly obvious, of course, but not so easy to do in a country which grows statistically more obese every year, with attendant illnesses.

Exercise. A favorite book of mine on the subject is Younger Next Year for Women by Chris Crowley and Henry S. Lodge, M.D. Their prescription? Forty-five minutes a day, six days per week. Make small changes in your routine, too, like taking the stairway instead of the elevator. Quit looking for the closest parking spot and take the first or farthest one you see. If you have a short grocery list of stuff that won’t melt, walk to the store, and hen you get there, go the opposite direction of the items you need. If fresh vegetables are in the right corner, head left around the perimeter of the store. Appreciate the extra steps you take while wandering the aisles searching, say, for that elusive can of hearts of palm. Be creative in adding exercise to your day.

Nutrition. I never connected with the government’s food “pyramid” so it had no impact on my eating habits, but this new “plate” with 4 divisions makes sense both visually and mentally. It’s now very easy to picture what and how much to eat. Enjoy summer’s bounty, too, by seeking out local growers and their fresh produce. My city has a special street market from April through November which has been hugely successful for vendors and buyers alike. Where can you find your local growers?

Second, ensure your financial health. There is currently a bounty of articles focused on women over fifty who worry: How much money do I need? Will I outlive my money? How can I grow the money I have now? It’s hard to think about a living a life that matters if you’re living from paycheck to paycheck or sinking in debt. Saving and investing are essential. On average, women live seven years longer than men. Also on average, women have fewer earning years and receive between 77 – 81 cents for every dollar men make. The result? Women have less money to stretch over more years. You have two choices: spend less or generate more. Clarify “want” vs. “need” when you shop, popping any unspent money in your kitty. Then invest it. Start now. If you need help, find a good financial advisor who is interested in your well-being. I’ve worked with such a woman for decades and trust her guidance. A book I like on this topic is The Difference by Jean Chatzky.

Third, enrich your spiritual health, which for me encompasses mental, emotional and psychological health. You’re on this earth for a reason, though discerning it isn’t always easy or obvious. Are there specific actions women can take to live a purposeful, spiritual life? Definitely. For me, they include: accept your age; choose a positive attitude about the future; initiate the changes you want in your life; pull “weeds” (e.g., procrastination, debt or addictions) which can stop you from reaching your goals; nurture self-trust; treasure your personality, talents, strengths, and skills; clarify your passions and dreams; reassess your values, vision and goals; clarify your life purpose and prune back activities that don’t help you live according to it. Next, take action!

A book I like on this topic? (I’m just a little prejudiced here…) The one my co-author, Betsy Smith, and I wrote: Second Blooming for Women: Growing a Life That Matters after Fifty. It covers in depth the process of enriching your spiritual health and living purposefully. The action step for Betsy and me, of course, was: Write the book!

A clear focus doesn’t usually happen magically, however, often requiring conscious thought and deliberation. Here’s one approach you can try (have a pencil and highlighter handy).

First, take a sheet of paper and write your gut responses to the statement: While I’m still able, I want to ___________. Try to jot down fifteen or twenty items.

Second, go down the list item by item, asking yourself: “Would I be sorry if I never did this one?” If your answer is, “No, I wouldn’t be sorry,” draw a line through it, because it’s not really a priority in your life. It’s okay—even necessary— to let some of your long-held goals or possibilities go.

Here’s the crucial third step. Again go down the list, asking, “If I knew I were to die next week, I would most regret not doing __________. Highlight the ones that would cause you regret later if left undone. These are your top priorities. You might categorize what you’ve done as:

• Essential (highlighted); I’ll do this first.
• Nice to do, but won’t cause regret (neither highlighted nor crossed off); I’ll do this if I have time.
• Skip it; not a priority (crossed off); I choose to let it go and not spend time on it.

It should be obvious by now where to focus your time and energy, but how can you get what you want to accomplish off the list and into your everyday life? What actions do you need to take? What’s the first, most important thing you need to do to start making your essential goals come to fruition? Today’s the day to get started!

What’s on your bucket list?

Guilt. Why do we teach our children to feel guilty? Katty Kay, the BBC correspondent calls guilt the wasted emotion.
Guilt feels like a huge weight on our shoulders and drains our energy. Guilt affects our decisions and then we feel guilty because of these decisions. We feel overwhelmed and get stuck.

Why do we feel guilty?

• We are trying to avoid something. Perhaps we’ve been asked to do something we don’t want to do. Instead of saying no, we’ve said yes and regret that decision.
• We are reacting to a situation.
• We feel like we aren’t good enough. Some women struggle with their identity after they turn fifty, they retire or their children leave. They are guilty because they feel lost.
• We can’t forgive ourselves, or others. Forgiveness of self and others frees us so that we can manifest positive energy rather than wallowing in negative energy.
• We “should” and “ought” ourselves. How many times have you said “I should’ve known…?” My first response when I learned that we had received a fraudulent offer on our house that was for sale was “I should’ve known.”
• What if … We look at the worst case scenario instead of the best case scenario.
• Our religious upbringing taught us to be guilty.
• As children we heard these phrases with negative endings: “You are always…” You never…”“It’s your fault…”

Try these 6 tips for positively dealing with guilt:

1. Focus on your strengths. Get the book Strengthsfinder 2.0 by Tom Rath and take the online assessment. Ask your friends what they think your strengths are.
2. Practice affirmations. Create positive statements about yourself and post them where you will see them often. Put one on your computer screen, on the mirror, in your car.
3. Release the power draining words “should” “ought” and “need” and replace them with the powerful phrase “I choose to…”
4. Ask for what you want so you won’t feel guilty when you do make requests. My Grandmother once said to my Mother, “how will Betsy ever get what she wants if she doesn’t ask for it?”
5. Treat yourself to something you love – because you are worth it.
6. If you’ve made a mistake, accept it and move on. Say to yourself “I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.”

Guilt is a wasted emotion. Let it go!

Many of us Second Bloomers are caregivers, facing similar challenges. My good friends Mary Beth Sloan, Derek Ferebee, and Laura Levitan, have a wonderful place online where you can receive support. Below is their latest newsletter article. If you choose, you can contact them to receive the newsletter yourself. And best of luck to you; what you’re doing is wonderful and difficult.  – Kathleen Logan

“Caregivers and Self Care”
by Mary Beth Sloan

How are you today? Are things going smoothly, or is it a troublesome day? Or, should we ask is it a troublesome morning, hour, or moment? How many times have you cleaned up a mess today? How many times have you changed the bed this morning? How many times have you repeated an answer to the same question? Was the routine broken yesterday because somebody visited and now you’re paying for it?

Caregiving requires one to learn to live with constant interruptions, frequent demands on time and patience, and feelings of being hopelessly trapped. The list of stressors never ceases when you’re caring for someone else. So, what do you do to defuse the frustrations, quell the anger, and cope with the feelings you have?

One suggestion is to keep a journal. Writing is a healthy way to vent, record and learn from your experiences. Buy a spiral notebook and keep it handy. Jot things down as they happen, or write the day’s story in the evening when things are quiet. If the idea of journaling appeals to you, please give yourself permission to write without worrying about spelling, grammar, neatness of handwriting, or format. The writing in this journal is for you alone. Become your own pen-pal and pour your soul into it. Honest, fervent entries can dissipate negativity as effectively as conversation with someone who understands can. Feel the relief writing can bring.

To test this suggestion, we invite you to write us right now. Write us about something that happened, good or bad. Write about how you feel, or write about the things you do to preserve your mental and physical health. Reach out to your fellow caregivers and share your hard-earned wisdom. We can all learn from you. Just click on: info@booksasbridgesinc.com and write.

Take care,

The Books As Bridges Team

Mary Beth, Laura and Derek
Books As Bridges, 1413 Ariola Dr, Pensacola Beach, FL 32561, USA

Click on the link below to listen now.

Feisty Side of Fifty

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Someone is trying to steal the joy from my life. No matter what I do, it’s not enough, it’s too much, it’s wrong, it’s insensitive. If she would just change her attitude, we could continue aging gracefully and have a healthy relationship.

STOP! Did I really say all that? What’s wrong with this scenario? It’s true, but just this week, I have come to accept my own role in this drama. Yes, for years I’ve tried to be kind, thoughtful, useful, generous – but it ain’t working. It’s time for me to face that fact, to change my own behavior and attitude. As Einstein said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Yep, I’ve been insane.

This women isn’t responsible for my joy—I am. The more I rely on her and others to feed my joy, the less likely I am to experience it. Giving and loving have been mostly one-way in this relationship, but now I see that I was “investing” in it with an expectation of a return on that investment. How sad that sounds to me as I write those words, because I truly thought I was being loving and accepting; my ‘plan’ was to do it long enough to succeed. But as Marianne Williamson said in A Woman’s Worth, “Joy is not necessarily what happens when things unfold according to our plans.” Darn!

Click here to read the rest of the article.

Not all rites of passage are for the young. Entering retirement is one rite of passage that we baby boomers are experiencing by the thousands!

When I relocated from New York City, I planned to continue my career in adoption social work on a part-time basis. But, given the current economy, there were few to no opportunities to carry out my career plan.

Not one to sit around and wait, I decided to re-direct my job search to the business world, completed nine weeks of computer classes to learn programs needed by  modern office workers and re-vamped my resume to reflect  how my social work background could benefit any company or non-profit. I answered hundreds of ads, had several interviews — still no job!  I have been retired by default!  After fifty years of working, not working is a new skill I am learning.

How does one learn how to not work? Initially, I learned how to have a leisurely breakfast, actually read a newspaper from cover to cover and shop during the week when the stores aren’t crowded! Taking classes, going to the gym, lunching with friends or volunteering seemed to be worthy ways to fill the days.

I’ve also learned that it takes effort to ‘not’ work. It takes effort to meet new people, find rewarding pastimes, to re-invent who you are. And so, not finding work, I embarked on a journey of self-discovery to help me decide what I want to be as I pass through this rite of aging out of the workforce.  I thought that exposing myself to new people and ideas would be a good way to begin. I enrolled in a class through a program at one of the local colleges aimed at people over 50. The class was interesting, if somewhat superficial. And the people?  Well, I thought they were very………..old!  I didn’t belong in that class.  Everyone had white hair and wrinkles.   When I expressed this to my husband, he looked at me with a quizzical expression, as if to remind me (without speaking a word) of the monthly trips to the beauty parlor to color my hair!!!

And so, my journey continued to re-discover myself and acknowledge the concept that I actually am a senior citizen. (I know my parents were!  But they were old!  They needed doctors, couldn’t rise out of a chair without grunting, ate dinner at 5:00 p.m. and rose with the sun.  Oh, wait!  So do I!)

Last spring I received my first pension check and, in December, my first Social Security payment.  A few years ago I had my first colonoscopy!  I have my first and, hopefully,  only daughter-in-law. First senior discount at the movies…first  early-bird special at the local restaurant.  The list goes on and all of my fellow Baby Boomers will, I am sure, easily identify!

As I continue through the rite of passage of becoming a senior citizen and by enjoying the benefits of more lessons learned through workshops  in self-discovery for women “of a certain age”, I have come to a new understanding of life as a process.   I am learning many things: that I am not defined by the job I hold, but rather by the person I am;  that,  while some wisdom does come with age, not everyone who is aging  is wise!   These are what we call ‘life lessons’ and people say they come with age.   I am still aging (as I hope I will be for a few more years!).  I hope the life lessons continue as I do!  For this is probably my last rite of passage and I do want to make the most of it!

There are more years behind me than ahead of me.  I am beginning to accept that my first old-age will be my only old-age….that there is opportunity to use my hard-earned wisdom, patience and understanding.  Despite the fact that younger people tend to ignore or minimize our importance, my generation continues to be productive, active, engaged.  We will embrace this rite of passage and whatever it brings with the same feistiness and sense of rebellion we had in the 60s.   Rock on!

About the Author:

Born and raised in New York City, Carole graduated City College of N.Y. and  lived for a few years in Montreal where she worked as a public relations writer and account rep.  After moving back to N.Y. she continued in that field and also worked at Newsweek Magazine and a major NYC hospital before taking a hiatus to raise her son, now 26 years old and living with his wife in New Mexico.  While being a full-time mother to her son she attended graduate school and achieved an M.S. in counseling in 1990.  After receiving her degree, she began an 18-year stint as an adoption social worker before retiring to N.C. in 2009.  She currently enjoys writing creative non-fiction, attending writing workshops, taking writing classes whenever and wherever she can and living with her husband of 37 years, a retired financial executive.